Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
