The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
