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According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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