Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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