we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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