Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
