The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
