And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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