My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize