seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Randomize
