If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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