You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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