you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
