You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Pants are for mortals
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
