Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
