Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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