What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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