So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
