Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
