Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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