I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I think my moral compass just broke
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