apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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