sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I have tasted many bathrooms
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
