dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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