i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
this just has baby written all over it
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
