I think my fart just growled at me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i now understand why vodka
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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