Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
