ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
