Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Sorry about my life...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize