Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
