Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
