The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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