I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
