Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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