I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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