Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
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