I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize