y did u give ur computer a hand job?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
