New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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