my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
