Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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