a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
