If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
