he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
whose parrot is this?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
