he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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