come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
