I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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