How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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