I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
