so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
