The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
