Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
