Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
