life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
