It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I think your dad took our porno
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
