If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
