were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize